Accessing Me

img_0708Writing can be such a demon beast at times. I realize the issue lies more with creativity. More specifically, problems arise out of our own making. Our own psyche. Our own misgivings.

When you’re bottled up as a writer, our first response often sprouts from a perspective of”what’s wrong with my writing?” Then we progress to the symptomatic issues of things in our lives which derail our writing. Hopefully we eventually trail back to “what’s going on in my heart and soul to dry up my writing passions?”

Is it any wonder writers tend to be quite introspective? Many of us love to people watch. We all struggle with our personal demons, many of which we create out of projections and self-condemnations.

Some of us live this quote: “When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.” Yes, as writers and introverts, we suffer these lies and attacks, but in the end, the truth will come out.

So how do we access the “me” who feels the need and desire to write, while we wrestle with motivation? What key works? What thought process runs the table and delivers our muse back to our fingers which get puppeteered by our heart?

Accessing “me” stands as the most challenging and rewarding path in my writing experience. Our world whisks us out of who we are and who we strive to be. Our media manipulates us. Our controlling, toxic people attempt at all points to control us. Our lives become filled with trash and confidence-breaking experiences. Our hearts become burdened by loss, the natural attrition of our lives. Writing helps us take out the garbage…

Our politicians lie to us unrelentingly. Our corporations poison our bodies and our minds. Our medical industry feeds on our sicknesses so they may increase in wealth. Why cure something when medicating the symptoms provides such a cash cow?

The opportunities to follow rabbit trails down media, corporate, religious, medical, pharmaceutical, and many other lines becomes overwhelming. Then you’re right back where you started, bottled up as a writer. Squelched by the toxic world around you.

Why do you think there’s such a push back from folks saying, “change your reaction, change your world?” Politicians lie. Corporations poison us at will if there’s money in it. Etc, etc, etc. Toxic people in your life will look for any little control they can grasp because that’s the only way they can justify their lives.

Step away.

Please.

Simply step away. Find yourself. Access the “me” inside you. That innermost person you’ve clung to throughout life. The one who struggles to gain a foothold because you allow someone (likely many someone’s) to control who you are.

“Accessing me” does not come easy for most of us. We don’t know how to put ourselves out to the world. We fear so many things, many of which we’re totally unaware of. When you examine yourself, you begin the trek of self discovery. When you cut back on allowing others to define who lives in your body, you take a baby step into the abyss that comprises your mind, your heart, your emotions.

My belief is that doing this, examining yourself and stepping into your “me” will show itself to be the most intimidating, difficult, struggle-filled endeavor of your life. Do you truly understand how nearly insurmountable  the task of changing yourself is? The reality of lifelong compromises as to our true “me” nature makes “change” the most daunting of grails to chase.

How do you deal with the current ridiculousness of politics? Change your perspective. Access who you are, the “me” within you. I’m telling you, in my life experience, this stands as the toughest challenge ever. Redirecting your course, your perspectives, your beliefs, to points “you” determine, not those crammed down your throat from birth to now by everyone. Parents, siblings, relatives, schoolmates, friends, co-workers, governments, corporations, religious zealots, enemies.

The most damage to your inner “me” are those closest to you. Just saying. If you truly stood in the identity of your personal, inner self, confident in your right as a living, breathing human to do so, your enemies would become much simpler to deal with. The influence of believing things pushed on you by all the “well-meaning” people throughout your life defines most of us more than we truly define ourselves from deep inside.

Or maybe I’m just an anomaly. Maybe I’m so unique as to be one of the few this has happened to over the course of my life. Or maybe I’m just one of the few who will admit it.

Accessing me, as a writer, means gaining permissions to my innermost truths, beliefs, passions, fears, emotions and a myriad other internal items few people ever see. I promote “writing your truth without apology” as a writer. How may I do so if I don’t even know what that truth is? And get this, my “truth” today, may not be my exact “truth” next month, next year, or next decade. But my “truth” today is the one I must test and build upon.

Not some truth someone else brainwashed into my soul as a child. Not some truth rained down upon my heart by the negative, tragedy celebrating media. My truth. Who “I” am.

This portends, no, is guaranteed, to be a lifelong pursuit. Writers, the ones whose passion drives them to explore and expel their passions to the world, walk this gauntlet daily. Whether they place a single word on a page or not, data and experience are being collected. Definitions of life are rearranging things in their hearts, their minds, their souls.

Even now, I hear the backlash of those who would control me and my words. The backlash of cookie-cutter solutions and views on life. Conformities of how and who I should be. I’ve suffered them for over half a century. Who I am and what I believe about life is my business. Who you are and what you believe about life is yours. Writers desire to share. Share I will…

I’ve known myself to be “bottled up” in my writing for months now. The pressures of toxic, controlling people attempting to work their sickness distressed me for years. No more. I’m done with that. Who’s “fault?” Mine. Toxic people only possess the level of control you allow. Learning this has been difficult. Making the “change” in my life even more so.

I’m still amazed that people believe whatever spews from a toxic person’s mouth without ever attempting to get “the rest of the story.” I suppose this is human nature. People don’t even stop to think, “this person is constantly playing the victim and verbally running someone else down. Maybe I should find out how much of what they say is true and how much is manipulated, self-serving lies.”

Yes, that last paragraph sums up the part in the quote from earlier where “the misinformation will feel unfair.” And it does. But the truth is all about you in the end. Do you own the confidence to stand in yourself, your true inner “me” and weather the storms of the outside world and forge ahead?

This post is about “accessing me” and just a slight pinprick of the mountainous task of doing so. I believe writing to be such a vital aspect of “me” that I find disappointment in myself when I cannot access my words. I teach in my book coaching to “write it real.” I practice what I preach. Last night, I attempted to write a poem and could not access anything other than a superficial rant. I found the experience disappointing.

Do you have toxic people invading your “me?” Don’t blame them. Nobody cares. I’ve reached a point of gratefulness for their existence in my life. A very wise friend taught me that the most demanding people in my life can be my greatest professors. They can teach me more than kind folk. They can propel me further along my path to “me” than I realize.

The operative word above is “can.” To gain the “lessons” these people offer, you must access your “me” and make a change. You must change from allowing them to intimidate, hurt, and crush your spirit to learning how to be strong, stand your ground, and be confident in who you are. No simple task.

I cannot say I laugh at the slings and arrows and the calculated attempts at control over my life now. That would not be “me.” There’s nothing funny about toxic people. Many of them are simply very sick. I cannot say I want to step in and help them either. They’ve proven they cannot see their own sick ways. I “can” say I continue to learn how to be strong, confident, and how to move forward with my life on a path of wonder away from them.

This post is not for everyone. I get that. The truth about writing is that no writing revelation works for everyone. Some writers will have issues other than the ones addressed here which keep them struggling with their “access of me.” Others will relate because they struggle with some of the issues I’ve written about.

Please know this. Your journey in this life gets ultimately defined by YOU, no matter what the world tells you. No matter what the toxic people tell you. No matter what the media tells you. No matter what the corporations tell you. No matter what your government tells you. You own the option to learn your “me” and make your decisions from that perspective. Acquiescence to the aforementioned people is a choice you make as well. Too many of us choose from perspectives in which we do not truly believe.

If you’re a writer, free yourself to write. Give yourself permission to explore who you are. I don’t care if the writing is fiction, poetry, non-fiction, whatever. Give yourself permission and go. Stop with your excuses for not writing. I have closets full of excuses myself. You may have mine if you’d like a few more. I’m looking to get rid of them so I may more fully access “me.” I wish for you the same.

Go forth and write your truth. Write without apology. Let’s walk this life together and discover where our paths cross. I find doing so to be thrilling. Fulfilling.

And one step closer to accessing me…

Categories: Writing A Book | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

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  1. Pingback: Accessing Me | Olde Hippie

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